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Greatest Book Review Ever!

Book illustration of prison life
Book illustration of prison life (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A friend pointed me to the greatest book review I have ever read on Amazon, and I am reposting it here for your enjoyment.

“Please allow me to share with you how “The Secret” changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of “The Secret” is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don’t want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.

My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be […] raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I’ve never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of “The Secret”. Normally I wouldn’t have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn’t have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the “Law of Attraction” in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn’t exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 “The Secret to Relationships” that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

The next day in the exercise yard I carried “The Secret” with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness actually made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I’m not sure that everybody’s life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I’m very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.”

Edit 2021: The review was written by Ari Brouillette. I can’t find any interweb location where the goodies are located online. You’ll have to search for yourself.

54 Responses to Greatest Book Review Ever!

  1. Keri

    Never again will I write a review on Amazon. I would always feel shamed and overshadowed by this awesomeness.

  2. Jack Moses Rawlins

    Does every copy come with a shiv?

  3. William the Describer

    I always thought that book was a completely worthless collection of crap meant to soak up cash from the intellectually challenged, but upon reading that inspiring review I may need to review my initial misgivings.

  4. Mark McElligott

    Absolutely awesome! I have a couple people that can use a lesson from that book!

  5. Zech

    So having read The Secret and actually applying it…all without being, in any way, intellectually challenged, I must say…that this review fucking rocked! The only thing that the first copy I was loaned had was the hard cover, minimally useful for beating people in their sleep… But alas, the small size of it made it somewhat difficult to use for that purpose…

  6. Billdave

    I’ve seen this before, but can never see it enough. Usually being mean and cynical isn’t funny or original, but the context, the target, the tone all conspire to make this review GREAT!

  7. a short comments list for once

    Haha this is awesome. Holy fuck.

    To all stumblers out there: please try not to comment on every damn thing you stumble. Lately I’ve been stumbling sites with comments lists more than 10 times longer than the actual article, and that gets really annoying.

    “Speak only if it improves upon the silence.”
    -Mohandas Ghandi

  8. zoogeneous

    was not expecting the ending. I suppose the pen is mightier than the sword unless the sword happens to be a hand made prison shiv and the pen an unfotunate convict

  9. grumula

    stumbled for a 2nd time, goddamn, twice as funny, looking forward to repetition is such a rare thing, roll on no.3

  10. I write reviews for a Northeastern PA entertainment paper called The Weekender…. I have to bow to the awesomeness of this article. Nothing I write will ever compare again!

  11. Realitybytes

    SO THAT’S the secret!!

  12. Random Stumbler

    Just for Mohandas Ghandi.
    Actually, I stumble dit and will comment about whatever I damn want.
    Also, this is obviously shopped

  13. Also,
    Stumbling and Commenting might boost the blogger’s self esteem. 😀

    If you don’t like the long comment list, don’t read the long comment list. If the website author doesn’t want stumblers to comment, ze can either deter us lazy stumblers with a log in requirement or a disclaimer or something. Maybe you shouldn’t speak for other people’s sites?

  14. Beautiful…first inkling I’ve ever gotten that there can be anything of value in “The Secret” (even if you have to put it there, yourself…).

  15. Atleast one worthy review for the most bogus lit ever written. Hats off to you!

  16. James Martin

    How is this awesome? It is stupid. Why should we respect an idiot’s opinion and hold it in such high esteem? Damn, girl, you need to get a life instead of reading Amazon “reviews”.

  17. mark bletcher

    that review is probly better then the book. now i feel my comment is worthless… =[

  18. Jim Smith João Pessoa, Brazil

    I have read “The Secret” and it was the most useless pile of drivel I have ever seen. How can anyone get such nonsense published is a mystery to me. But wait! The bible is even worse and it sells!

    I now know how I can get a book published. I’ll present it as an allegory for how to live a complete and full life. The more obscure and nonsensical it is, the better. I know, I’ll have my dog write it.

  19. Bob

    Mohandas Ghandi: Speak only if it improves upon the silence.

    ADHD Man: Haha this is awesome. Holy fuck.

    Mohandas Ghandi: Ahhhh, wise words indeed. I thank you from the heart of my bottom for your priceless contribution. It was well worth the vertical pixel increase.

  20. Beej

    Ah James, or is it Mr. Martin? No matter henceforth you shall be known as James. Humor is a strange thing isn’t it James? Sometimes it’s obvious like the punch in the nuts, kick in the ass humor of America’s Funniest Home Video’s, a show I have no doubt that you have seen countless times. But sometimes to truly criticize something, to truly call out the stupidity inherent in something one must use the most difficult technique of all. Subtlety.
    Don’t worry James I hear you, Subtlety is indeed hard for the mentally challenged to master, and while it may require more intellect than you will ever posses to utilize. I have no doubt that with the proper training you can at least learn to understand when it has been used.
    Subtlety is an art form Jim, and while you may never be able to quite get it. Every great art form is backed up by somebody who doesn’t get it. Does not someone clean the loo at the Louvre? Is there not a janitor at Carnegie Hall? I do believe that you James ‘Jim’ Martin can someday, god willing, learn to not only control your intellectual ‘accidents’ if you will, but even clean up after the little mistakes that others make.

  21. B

    James, you sir have been PWND.

  22. Jim Smith João Pessoa, Brazil

    B, I’ll bet Mr Martin knows how to spell “owned” and doesn’t fall for those ignorant internet expressions. I also don;t see where he has been “owned” at all, but perhaps in someone’s mind… That doesn’t make it true though.

    “Beliefs, no matter how sincerely held, do not alter facts.”

  23. Anonymous

    “Eat only if it is a cow.”
    -Ronald McDonald

    “Speak only if it improves upon the silence.”
    -Mohandas Ghandi

  24. Norah

    I can understand that you would be able to urinate in a mail box but how did you manage to defacate? No, I don’t really want to know.

  25. Jim Smith João Pessoa, Brazil

    Norah, he said that “there was alcohol involved”. That explains a lot. “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing” is not an excuse, it’s a confession.

    No one forces anyone to get drunk. It’s a choice people make so they can behave badly and perhaps escape the consequences. That it usually doesn’t work that way still doesn’t stop them does it? I doubt if they had any brain cells to spare before they started drinking. LOL

  26. azalea

    This is the first Amazon review I’ve seen that can measure up to the old Family Circus trolls.

  27. Tasha

    ahahhahahahahahhahaha… LOVE IT. basically sums up what sort of review should be written about all self-help books that are total bologna!

  28. kriste

    what kind of an idiot leaves a comment saying don’t leave comments? seriously makes me wanna stumble around and comment everything i see just to annoy the nerd…

  29. Another random stumbler

    But it got stumbled though didnt it and so more people stumbled it then didnt they and they were impressed and wanted to say something and this was good….

  30. a comment

    if you comment on me, do i not stumble?

  31. Em

    I’m not sure which is funnier, this review or the comment thread that progressed from it

    ~ another stumbler

  32. This review is entirely composed of a substance scientists call “win”.

  33. Bill

    The mailbox performance was the most inspiring part in his self-realization. Like, what kind of a contortionist could fail to escape prison rape?

  34. So effective dental hygiene tools are part of The Secret?

  35. YahooSerious

    The Secret about the secret is that you will always have what you don’t need, and you will never get what you want.

  36. Karen

    I stumbled, and I’m leaving a comment too just because I CAN!!

  37. Daz

    I don’t get it

  38. Ledgehanger

    I stumbled on this little gem of awesomeness. I stumble quite a bit and *never* leave comments. Now, however, I must do so simply in response to he who would quote Ghandi.

    It’s a moral imperative. ;o)

  39. mommy

    i never leave comments but oh my god how awesome is this

  40. TreCool912

    omg… wow… mby i shudent read that book.. i might end up stabbing sum1 O.o i was thinkin about it.. but.. omy… i;ll give that book a try now….

  41. Fig

    Good stuff. I kinda figured this was going in a “My Life As A Cub” direction.

  42. Roger

    Does the Kindle version come with a digital shiv?

  43. fisharegood

    is this the same guy that wrote that amazing review for the “Donk” personal armored vehicle some years back? It sure reads the same. That Amazon review made me pee a little.

  44. Yes, I stumbled, and I never leave comments… but I have to on this one. I recently saw this book in a store, started reading a little bit of it, and I saw it was complete crap. This is hilarious.

  45. Caitlin Furby

    So like I stumbled across this right. And what I find funny is how to comments are more interesting than the artical itself. Hell most things I stumble upon in these given days the comments are always more entertaining. It just goes out to say how the world needs to argue about every stupid little thing. But hey it’s cool it makes for good entertainment and awesome comedy -eats popcorn-

    And to this man who proposed:

    “To all stumblers out there: please try not to comment on every damn thing you stumble. Lately I’ve been stumbling sites with comments lists more than 10 times longer than the actual article, and that gets really annoying.”


    Sorry that was harsh but stop trying to kill us stumblers moments like cheesus! I hate you peoples sometimes you make me want to go stick my head in a bucket of water and drown myself…While being raped by the big blue cookie monster.

    Words cant even describe how much you disgust me. I bet your mommma would be so ashamed of you. In fact I’m going to give her a ring and make her come down to your place and knock some sense into you boy!

    Tsk, Tsk


    And guys…Be nice


  46. Bill

    Hey Stumble:

    Me an’ Bobby Kennedy figured this one out:

    Some men look at things that never were and say: “Get serious.”

    I look at things as they are and say: “You’re kidding, right?”

  47. Great review but pointless copying it across..

  48. Commenter

    This is for you Ghandi. Ha I had to read that book in my Substance Abuse class, this particular copy woulda really come in handy. Our teacher wouldn’t have made it out of the first class.

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